Hit a wall

"I was going at a great pace until I hit a wall."  If you are a runner or a cyclist, you surely can relate.  Everything seems to be going great and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you are out of energy and it seems like you can't go on.

I hit this wall a week ago.  I'm sure you understand that ministry in the city can be hard.  We knew that when we signed up.  Most days I'm OK with that.  I have been running hard trying to keep peace among the neighborhood kids, help my son redo some stuff in his new house and trying to fix a car for Dana to replace the one that was stolen.  That day, I had just got the new engine in and it wouldn't turn.  It was bound up on the torque converter somehow and needed to come back out. Perfect.  I started to pull it out and the lift bracket broke, dropping the engine.  Not cool.  I broke down.

Yep, I broke down.  God's man, called to bring the love of Jesus to this neighborhood, just couldn't handle it anymore.  Maybe it would be better to quit.  Maybe it would be better to get a "real" job.  Maybe I should be a pastor or some join ministry that is steady.  At least I'd have Pastor Appreciation month.  Poor, poor me.  Have you ever thrown a pity party and no one shows up?

After crying and shouting to God my favorite "I give up" statement, "Are you freakin kidding me?", I realized once again that I can't do this.  I realized that not only can I not do this; maybe I'm not the one who is suppose to do this.  It is so easy to do things in my own strength.  It is so easy to come across like, "It's cool, I got this."

Once again, my lesson was to learn to rely on God and not myself.  Will I ever learn?  The often misquoted, "I can do all things through Christ" verse comes into to play.  Paul's context was more life's circumstances than some superpower.  He could live in affluence and the good life, but he was saying that lately it wasn't like that.  He was in need and was outcast and even beaten.  He can "do all things" because of his trust in God.  Anyway, things have calmed down and are looking a lot brighter.  Ministry is going well, Josiah is moved in, and the car that was my breaking point is now running and we love it.

Apparently I can't do this, but that's OK.
God, please be my strength.